Ask the Coach: On Friendship

Dear Subscriber,
Thank you for your questions and here are my thoughts...

My youngest daughter frequently tells me with all her excitement about the new friend she made at the playground, at her sibling’s sporting event, or any random place where they play briefly and have a good time. I typically respond the same way every time: “Sometimes we make friends for the day, and sometimes we make friends for a lifetime. This might just be a day friend.” This helps her manage her expectations and understand that there are seasons for everything; some seasons are longer than others.

As we get older, handling and maintaining relationships becomes trickier. Managing expectations becomes complicated because we have much more to factor into the equation. Gone are the (simple) days when our parents dropped us off for a playdate where we played hours of hide and seek or Barbies—for my old-school gals. Now, we have to schedule our own playdates, factor in our work schedules, family commitments, and our necessary introverted alone time (or is that just me?).

When it comes to determining which relationships to fight for, which ones to let die, and which ones to resurrect the first thing that comes to mind is cost. What is the cost associated, and is it worth it? There is a cost associated with everything we do. For every grown-up playdate we say yes to, we have to say no to something else. For every call we say yes to, night out we attend, boys trip we plan, we are saying no to something else. This isn't a good or bad thing, merely a fact. Our time is valuable.  Our energy is valuable. There are many people in our lives that we would quickly and wholeheartedly say are worth our time and energy. For others, we may hesitate and think, “I don’t know them all that well.”

Here are a few considerations to help determine if the cost associated with a friendship is worth the fight, energy, and time.

Worth the Fight

1. Reciprocity in Respect and Support: If both parties respect and support each other through life’s seasons, it's worth fighting for.
2. Brings Joy: If both parties share memories and a history of positive encounters and enjoyable experiences.
3. Healthy Communication: If both parties are willing to communicate effectively and work through issues.

Not Worth It

1. Toxicity and Drama: If the relationship consistently brings negativity, stress, or drama.
2. Lack of Effort: If one or both parties are not willing to put in the effort to maintain the relationship.
3. Dishonesty and Betrayal: If there’s a PATTERN of dishonesty or betrayal that has damaged trust.

Worth the Resurrection

1. Changed Circumstances: If circumstances have changed and there’s potential for a positive relationship.
2. Acknowledgment of Mistakes: If both parties recognize past mistakes and are willing to move forward.
3. Mutual Desire to Reconnect: If both parties desire to reconnect and rebuild.

Questions to Consider

1. How do I feel after interacting with this person?
2. Is there reciprocity in this relationship?
3. Is the relationship more draining or enriching?
4. Is the cost associated with the relationship worth it?

I hope this helps! Good luck!
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