Negotiating the Life You Deserve

Let’s be real.
Let’s be honest.
Let’s be real honest.
Negotiation is hard. And guess what readers? It’s even more difficult for us ladies. I'm proud to say that culturally we are doing a better job at raising our young girls to take up more space and ask for more. But we still have to do a better job at cultivating this technique in our everyday lives as adult women. We have to model the behavior we want our young girl to emulate.

And here is a big truth-the biggest truth that you will see today.

Even though negotiation is difficult doesn’t mean it can’t be done. And it definitely doesn’t mean that it can’t be mastered. 

The definition of negotiation that I like to use is: to find a way over or through (an obstacle or difficult path). I prefer this definition over the others because learning to negotiate doesn’t only involve you and an “opposing” individual. The act of negotiating can take place between you and your life experience. I am negotiating, or finding a way through life everyday. Taking the time to go through these simple steps will help you negotiate your way to a better life. These are the skills that you can use to help you through everyday opposition. These skills are going to seem super simple and that’s the point. Negotiation hinges on our ability to understand and then articulate our understandings. 

Step 1:Know your worth

You have to know your worth. Your worthiness is internal and cannot be stripped from you. It doesn't matter your past history or the life you have chosen to lead, every single one of you has value and worth. Worthiness is not something you deserve but it is inherent. No one has the right to add to or take away your worthiness. If you know your worth and you know your value you will not buckle over when it's time to communicate what you need. You won’t second guess yourself. You will not shy away in a corner. You will take up space. You will own your feelings and needs and you will ask for more. 

Things that you value you treat with high regard and take care of. The same applies to you. You have to take care of yourself and tend to yourself or NO ONE else will. My mother has always told me that “you teach people how to treat you”. If you aren’t treating yourself with value and worthiness then no one else will. This step is most important because you will not negotiate for yourself if you do not see your worthiness. Own your worth. 

Step 2: Understand your emotions

All emotions are important and they all serve a purpose. Fear serves you by keeping you safe. Happiness serves you by motivating you. Grief serves you by helping you heal. Our emotions are indicators on whether or not something is off or not. Without these feelings life would be a little... meh. Understanding emotions means being able to pinpoint the different emotions that manifest themselves in your body. Then using that information for your advantage. This skill is crucial to self awareness and is a building block for self-compassion. Increasing your emotional intelligence will increase your emotional understanding of another human being. 

To learn from your emotions you have to allow yourself to FEEL emotions. When you feel sadness, joy, or anger don’t shy away from it but ride the wave. Give yourself time to feel. (The caveat here is if you have an underlying mental health concern. Anyone who is in a constant state of sadness and despair please reach out to a medical professional.) If were to experience happiness where would you feel it in your body? Can you greet discontentment by name when you start to feel him in your stomach? Can you shake hands with grief as he creeps over your shoulders? Do you accept your emotions as they are or do you try and force them into submission and to be something different? Our emotions are gifts because they offer real time feedback on whether our needs are being met. And we can use our emotions to help guide us to a better way of experiencing life.

Step 3: Understand your needs

In order to ask for more from life you have to know what to ask for. When conflict arises the need becomes more clear. But what about your day-to-day? What do you need on a Monday? What do you need when you get home from work? What do you need right now? If you haven’t taken the time to sit down and ask yourself these questions then I am quite sure you may just be living day-to-day in this rat race of life.

Our needs are our drivers. They are driving us in a direction that we can either help steer or be completely led by them. When we get super hungry, we will start getting tunnel vision until our need for hunger is satisfied. We might even stop at McDonalds for a big mac even though we promised ourselves that we would never eat it again. The same applies to our emotional needs. Think back on your own life when you needed to feel connection. How did you act? What did you do? When I was younger and needed to feel connected, I sacrificed some of my values to feel connected to someone. My need for connection communicated to my subconscious to do the driving. I was a passenger rather than a driver. Because I didn't understand the power of Needs. When you understand your needs are a driving force, you can begin to identify what you are searching for. Rather being a victim of subconscious habit you are an aware individual with the power of choice.

Step 4: Understand the problem you are trying to solve

Now that you understand what your emotions are communicating about your needs. What is the real problem you are trying to solve? The problem may feel like an invisible monster but in actuality the problem has a name. It is up to you to identify it. Sometimes the problem is not enough time to yourself or too much time to yourself. Let me walk you through these three steps. Lets say I am feeling angry and I have identified I need alone time. The problem I am trying to solve is: How do I get time away from the family so I can feel better? You will not be able to negotiate the life you want unless you know what the problem is. You figure this out by interrogating yourself. Start by asking yourself: What is the problem I am trying to solve? And then follow up with: What is preventing me from experiencing or achieving x,y, or z? By putting a face to the problem you psychologically lessen the intensity. Once you figure out what is standing in your way you can start thinking of your desired outcome. 

Step 5: Articulate your desired outcome

This is one of the hardest steps because it requires real action on your part. It requires you to communicate your needs and desires. It requires you to speak up. During this step you have to communicate your needs AND desired outcome to the other. You communicate what you want to see happen. Your desired outcome could be to have more help from your spouse with the kids. It could be less work or more work. It could be time away or time with. Whatever it may be this is the step where you communicate it.

The life you want is right behind you speaking up.